Dear Period,

Why are you so mad at me for not having a baby? My work is no longer paying me and there is a world-wide health epidemic. Now is not a good time for cramps. Or a child.

Dear Period,

I know I’m not pregnant. You’re evidence I’m not pregnant. So why am I nauseous? Why do I have a migraine? Why can I do nothing but lay on the bed in the dark with a cool compress over my forehead? Please advise.

Dear Period,

I ate a healthy breakfast. I ate a healthy lunch. I had a post-lunch snack. And another post-lunch snack. And another post-lunch snack. Why am I still hungry?

Dear Period,

Remember that pen I had like literally 30 seconds ago? Where is it? I have not moved from this spot. Why am I experiencing short term memory loss? Am I somehow sitting on it? Did it fall in a crack in the couch? Why am I experiencing short term memory loss?

Sincerely,

P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney.

P.S. I found my pen. What Did You Do With My Phone.

Dear Period,

Why am I crying in the bathroom? Nothing was wrong a minute ago. How do I go back out to my guy friends and explain my red eyes when LITERALLY NOTHING caused this. Oh wait, you did. Delete my number.

Dear Period,

It’s 3:30am. What is sleep? How have I ever fallen asleep in my life? Why am I counting backwards from 200 sheep for the third time? Why did you wake me, when I had just drifted off? And why do you release me from my insomnia a minute before my alarm goes off…

P.S. Covers on? Covers off? Quit fucking with my temperature.

P.S.S. Solved it! Covers on.

P.S.S.S Covers off.

P.S.S.S. Fan on, covers over torso with feet sticking out, cold compress on forehead. Ibuprofen. Quiet cursing. You’re demanding. Hope you’re proud of yourself. Please don’t have me bleed on my sheets. Good night.